Until Now

He sure as shit didn't kiss me take me fuck me hold me keep me marry me when he had the chance. All these sleep walkie talkie incommunicado neptune floundering motherfuckers in my life! Saturn square Mercury times a billion! I dream of screaming in blood wrapped in plastic tap dancing the goddamn coals to diamonds in sister's hand-me-down heels with Jesus cock on my breath and still the silence thicker than ketchup oozing Texas big boy burger. Hello! I'm home! I'm here! I'm alive I'm vivid I'm dripping light! A note on the wall from husband, angry scrawl: CLEAN THIS PLACE UP! IT'S A MESS! THANKS! I'm still dreaming of the first Leo the one who told me he thought I was yelling rape when I was fifteen in the summer and he was coming up the hill to get his share. He could have thrown me in the most rapid part of the river and fucked me senseless against foam and beer cans and jagged rock and I would have stared him down sticking screams in my choir girl throat meeting each thrust with damp quivering welcome. But now he's rich and I'm not and his wife makes more sense than I will ever pretend to and if I make it to the symphony before I start sagging this will all have been worth it. I can see myself now clear as eager teenage dick all decked out in black velvet and genuine pearls streaking my makeup with true tears my mouth forming words I never used until now.