excerpt from Nova's Gone Potty

Nova knocked on Perry’s door. She was wearing the same black dress she’d worn the night she met John with the same black tights and Mary Janes and her new choker. Perry opened the door. He was wearing a “Bonanza” t-shirt and black jeans. He smelled like citrus fruit.

“Help,” Nova said.
 “Help how? I’m on my way out.”
  “I’m going to the Pineapple to pounce on John. I mean…to hear Idiot Robot play. How do I look? Will you come with me?”
Perry sighed. He looked off into the distance and scratched his throat.

“You smell nice,” Nova said.
 “Thanks. It’s my favorite cologne. It’s called Disco July. I don’t know, Nova. I was going to meet some friends at Retro A Go Go. It’s dollar daiquiri night. I prefer Retro A Go Go to the Pineapple. I’d rather hear the Pet Shop Boys and Duran Duran than Idiot Robot, to be blunt.”
 “This would be an immense favor. You know how badly I need a life.”
 “Yes, but is that the best way to go about getting one? Panting after a man who isn’t interested in making any kind of a commitment?”
 “Don’t judge me. Just enable me. That’s what friends do.”
 “I know, I know. I’ll say this. You look like some mighty tasty bait. I’m sure John would bite. But I don’t smell you. Didn’t I tell you to invest in some perfume?”

 “We can stop at the dollar store on the way to the club. Body spray will have to suffice.”
 “Girl, I know what I am going to give you for Christmas. Body spray from the dollar store! That is too silly.”
 “Will you go with me or not? Damn it dude, I need to get out of my apartment. My toilet just serenaded me with a Sex Pistols song.”

 “Oh wow. Which one?”
 “ ‘No Feelings.’ He was trying to prove a point.”
 “Yeah? I’m frightened for you. You’ve talked me into it. Let me grab my keys and wallet and gum and we’ll go.”

 When they got inside Nova’s car Nova played “Satellite of Love” for Perry. Perry blew Nova a kiss and sang along with Lou Reed. As Nova drove to the dollar store she admired the gaudy fuschia magenta plum cerulean sunset. She gazed at the mesas and murmured, “That’s magic. That’s a sign from Tortuga Grande. Thanks, Turtle.”
 “Honey, it looks like a sunset to me. But if you think some big ass turtle spirit in the sky painted the sky to convey to you that by going to the Pineapple and pursuing John you are on the right track, hey…more power to ya.”

“Do you want to come in?” Nova asked Perry as she parked her car.
 “No, I’d be too tempted to buy crap I don’t need,” Perry said.
 “I’ll be right back.”

Nova grabbed a bottle of Vanilla Mischief body spray and a pack of Big Red chewing gum. On a whim Nova snatched a black Sharpie.

“Going out tonight?” the mousy cashier asked Nova.
 “Yeah, I’m going to the Pineapple Grove to hear Idiot Robot.”
 “That’s a weird name. What kind of music do they play?”
 “It’s hard to describe. I guess you could say they’re Norwegian progressive funk with a, uh, splash of new age disco groove thrown in for flair.”
 “Does not sound like something I could get behind but I’d rather be there than here, that’s for sure. Well, have fun.”

“Thanks, uh, you, too. I’m sorry you’re stuck here.”

In the car Nova sprayed her throat, cleavage, arms and legs with Vanilla Mischief and popped a piece of gum in her mouth. She placed the black Sharpie in her rainbow sequin purse and glanced at Perry. He was rolling down his window and gasping.

“I’m going to die from asphyxiation! Nova, that shit smells like something my grandma would wear!” Perry covered his mouth with his hands and coughed.
 “Perry, I don’t need this criticism right now. It’s too late. Try to be supportive. Don’t make me cry. I’ll ruin my makeup.”

“Yeah, it’s too late to go home and shower. Well, that stuff is cheap so hopefully it’ll wear off before you approach John. That could very well be a deal breaker.”

“Don’t say that! Goddamn it. I need a song that will make me feel fierce and unconquerable. No negative energy! I need to soar!”
 “But you’ve already been conquered. Your clitoris has been conquered by John’s tongue. Your brain has been conquered by John’s charisma. Your heart has been conquered by John’s sly dog style.”
 Nova glared at Perry and fast forwarded the mix tape until it got to “Black Tongue” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Nova turned up the volume and screamed along with the song as she sped off to the Pineapple Grove. Perry sank down in his seat and covered his ears.

“Perry, are we still friends?” Nova asked Perry as they walked down the sidewalk toward the Pineapple Grove.
 “I’m too shell-shocked to answer that right now. Buy me a drink and ask me again,” Perry said.
In addition to “Black Tongue” Nova had screamed along to “Rock Star” by Hole, “Aneurysm” by Nirvana and “Chinese Rock” by the Ramones on the way to the club. Perry had held his hands to his ears the entire time.

“I wasn’t thinking clearly. I wasn’t considering your needs. I was emoting. I’m extremely nervous, especially knowing that I stink. Please try to understand,” Nova said. She was chewing three pieces of Big Red. As she approached the line of people outside the Pineapple Grove she muttered, “Oh, fuck me. This is some fucked up bullshit right here.”

“Nova, relax. Lines are a part of life,” Perry said. He seemed world-weary.
 “I was not expecting this. I’m sorry. You would have been better off going to Retro A Go Go. I could sure go for a dollar daiquiri right about now.”

 “I could go for several. Don’t worry about it. This will be fun.”

Perry didn’t seem convinced. They stood in line watching people hand their driver’s licenses and money to the bouncer. Nova looked up at the huge neon pineapple that was suspended over the open doorway. She could hear Idiot Robot playing. Nova laughed as she recalled her bullshit reply to the cashier in the dollar store. Nova didn’t know much about music or the classifications. She just knew what she liked. So far she was liking Idiot Robot.

Inside the club Nova wanted to head straight to the stage but Perry grabbed her arm and said, “I need a drink. Now.”
 “Okay, okay. Damn it.”

Nova and Perry walked up to the bar. The bartender was wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt and a black straw cowboy hat. He had a bright orange goatee. The bartender winked at Nova and said, “What can I get ya?”
 “I’d like a Jack and Coke and…Perry?”
 “I’ll have a Pina Colada.”

Nova paid for the drinks, placed two dollar bills in the bartender’s tip jar and looked at Perry. He attempted a smile. Nova raised her Jack and Coke. Perry raised his Pina Colada. They clinked their glasses together.

“To life lived to the fullest,” Nova yelled.
 “Yes. But don’t ask me to go bungee jumping with you,” Perry yelled, taking a sip of his drink.

Perry followed Nova to the stage. Nova saw John right away. He was banging away at the drums, dripping sweat. He was in the zone, in his element. He was dressed in black and wore a silver chain around his neck. A strange symbol dangled from the chain. Nova wondered what the symbol represented. The lead singer of Idiot Robot was a huge Navajo man with shaggy hair bleached the color of straw. He was wearing a sleeveless white t-shirt with a robot sloppily painted on the front in bright blue, silver, red and green. Beneath the robot in black block letters were the words “WHERE’S MY BLOW JOB?” Pink jeans and black combat boots completed the lead singer’s outfit. The bass guitarist was a short chubby bald guy dressed in a ketchup stained wife beater and brown cargo shorts. He wore tube socks and sandals. He had a tattoo of a mermaid with huge tits, long turquoise hair and a silver tail on his left arm. The lead guitarist was tall and skinny with long greasy blond hair. He was wearing a pair of blue denim overalls with no shirt underneath and dirty work boots. He had the smiling red Kool-Aid pitcher tattooed on his right arm. Idiot Robot was performing a loud, fast song. Nova could only understand a few of the words… “crawl crawl crawl inside your hole,” “lose lose lose my marbles in your pretty pink void,” “can’t can’t can’t disremember the way it felt.”

Perry tugged on Nova’s sleeve. He pointed at an empty booth near the pool tables. Nova nodded. They walked over to the booth and sat down.

“John’s looking pretty tasty, isn’t he?” Perry yelled over the music.
 “Yes. I’m sick with desire. Sick!” Nova screamed.
 “There’ll be an after party. I’m sure you’ll want to go.”
 “Yes! Please come with me!”
 “Okay. Buy me another drink.”
 “You got it. I’ll be right back.”

On her way back from the bar Nova glanced at the stage. John had stopped drumming and taken off his shirt. He wrung out the sweat. Rather than feeling repulsed Nova was turned on. The song ended. The lead singer grabbed a bottle of water and took a swig. Then he walked over to John and poured the water over John’s head. John shook the water off like a dog. The lead singer walked back to the microphone and said, “Okay, Idiot Robot groupies, keep your tongues in your mouths. Don’t go into convulsions over the wet shirtless man at the drums.” A group of girls near the stage cheered and clapped. One of the girls lifted her shirt and flashed John her enormous tits. John grinned and tossed his shirt at the girl. The girl caught the shirt and clutched it to her tits. She feigned ecstasy. By the time Nova returned to the booth she had drained her new Jack and Coke.

“Here’s your Pina Colada, amigo. I’m going back to the bar for a few shots of Cuervo. I need the courage,” Nova yelled.
 “Gracias. Guess I’ll be the designated driver tonight,” Perry yelled.
 “Absolutely.”

By the time Idiot Robot finished their set, Nova was feeling invincible. She walked up to the table where the band members were hanging out with their adoring fans. The girl with the big tits was wearing John’s wet black shirt and sitting on his lap. John was rubbing the girl’s thigh and drinking a bottle of Heineken.

“You’ve got a great pair of tits,” Nova said to the girl.

“Nova! My favorite stalker!” John cried out with a big smile.

“I’m not your stalker. You think I’m here to ogle you? Oh, hell, no. I come here for the ambience. Your band did reasonably well, though. I would really like to crash the after party if I may.”

“It’s gonna be at my house. Need a lift?”

The girl gave Nova a go to hell look. Nova smiled at the girl. Perry appeared and put his arm around Nova.

“We’re an item now. You should be the first to know,” Perry told John.

“I thought you were gay,” John said.
 “I’m bisexual. Currently I’m all about this girl and her remarkable pussy.”
“The after party is gonna be at John’s house, babe. He offered to give us a lift.”

“No way! That is so cool. So I can go order another Pina Colada?”
 “Of course.”

Perry headed for the bar. The girl with the big tits stood up.

“I need a refill on my Long Island Iced Tea,” she said.

“Don’t get too trashed, babe. It’s gonna be a long night,” John said.
 “Promise?”

The girl walked away and John looked Nova over.

“You look good enough to eat. So you and Perry are together now? That was quick.”
 “I needed a shoulder to cry on when you broke my heart.”
 “Ah. Maybe I can kiss your heart sometime and make it better.”
 “Maybe I’ll let you.”

While John loaded his drum kit into his beat-up red Chevy van Nova and Perry stood in the alley with the girl with big tits.

“What’s your name?” Nova asked the girl.

“Jori,” the girl replied, watching John.
 “My name’s Nova and this is Perry.”
 “Yeah, I heard John call you Nova. Hi, Perry. So you two are together?”
  “We’re neighbors and friends. John’s the one I’m interested in,” Nova said.
 “Well, good luck with that. I’m obviously with John tonight.”
 “Like I said, you’ve got great tits. Anyone can see that.”
 Perry meowed like a cat. Nova smirked. Jori shook her head in disgust.

“Okay, guys. Let’s get on the road,” John said.
 “Shotgun,” Jori said.

“I wanted to ride up front. I’m drunk off my ass. And I get carsick,” Nova said.

“You should definitely ride up front then. My van doesn’t need any new exciting odors,” John said. He opened the door for Nova and she climbed inside.

“You don’t seem that drunk to me. You seem pretty coherent,” Jori said as she sat down on the bench seat in the back.

Perry sat down beside Jori on the bench seat and spied a crusty red thong on the floor. He picked it up and cried out, “Look, a snack!”

“That’s disgusting,” Jori muttered.
 “I wouldn’t recommend eating that, man. It’s been there for a while. It isn’t fresh,” John said.

“Oh, it’s expired? Darn it.”

Perry threw the thong back on the floor. Nova reached inside her purse and pulled out a small bottle of antibacterial gel. She handed the bottle to Perry.

“Good idea,” Perry said. He squirted some gel onto his palms and rubbed his hands together.

“Yeah, pretty quick thinking for someone who is drunk off her ass,” Jori quipped.

“Don’t be bitter, Jori. When we get to the party you can have John all to yourself,” Nova said with a smug smile.

“Maybe she wants to share,” John said. He eyed Nova with appreciation and gave her a playful wink. Nova licked her lips. John muttered, “Hot as fuck” beneath his breath.

“Maybe she thinks you should drop her off at the Starbuck’s up the street. I am not going to participate in a threesome,” Jori snapped.

“Ooh, a threesome sounds like my kind of party. Think of the possibilities! Are you sure you aren’t up for it?” Nova asked.

“I’m sure.”

“You’re turning down a threesome with those two? Are you frigid?” Perry asked.

“You’ll never know. Seriously, John. I’m in no mood for bullshit. Just drop me off at Starbuck’s, please.”

“You’re a real joy killer. You should be bursting with joy. If I had tits like yours I’d be leaking joy all over the goddamn place,” Nova said.

“Jesus! Would you stop discussing my tits, already? There is more to life than tits!”

“Really? More to life than tits? Wow. I stand enlightened. What can I say? I’ve got a tit fetish,” Nova said, shrugging her shoulders.

“You do?” John asked.

“Yeah. I like naturally large tits with nipples the size of silver dollars. I don’t like fake tits or tits with small nipples or small tits with big nipples. Jori has the best pair I’ve seen in a while.”

“Pull over. I’ll walk to Starbuck’s,” Jori said.

“I think Jori wants out of this van, John. I’m pretty sure she isn’t joking. You better pull over before violence occurs,” Perry said.

John pulled into the parking lot of a Lightning Mart. He drove up to a gas pump and parked the van.

“I need to get gas, anyway,” John said. He got out of the van.

“I need a soda,” Perry said. Perry and Jori got out of the van and Nova stayed in her seat, gloating in silence.

“I’ll have to give you your shirt back later,” Nova heard Jori tell John as he filled the tank with gasoline.

“Don’t worry about it. I have lots of black t-shirts. I’m sorry you’re pissed. I was looking forward to hanging out with you,” John said.

“Maybe some other time. You have my phone number. I just can’t deal with that crazy Nova bitch.”

“She’s not a crazy bitch. She’s great. You just don’t get her sense of humor.”

“I guess not. It’s too low-brow for me.”

“It isn’t low-brow at all. She kind of reminds me of Woody Allen, actually.”

“Well, have fun fucking Woody Allen. I’ll see ya around.”

Nova watched Jori walk into the Lightning Mart and pull out a hot pink cell phone. Nova didn’t feel sorry for Jori. She knew she’d have no trouble getting a ride home. Nova was also certain that a variety of cocks and cunts were available to Jori. All Jori had to do was ask and she would receive.

John got back in the van and appraised Nova.

“You aren’t really with Perry, are you?”

“No. I was just trying to make you jealous.”
 “That’s what I thought. Well, babe. You’ve got me all to yourself tonight if you want me. Do you want me? Huh? Huh?”
 “Gosh. Gee. I don’t know. I guess I’ll consider it. Shit. I must look pretty specially challenged with this big ass smile plastered across my face.”
 “You look edible, my darling.”

Nova sighed and turned on the radio. “Mexican Radio” by Wall of Voodoo was playing.

“Fuck! I love this song! I wish we could drive to Mexico tonight,” Nova said.

“Mexico is definitely within the realm of possibilities. I’ve got a surprise for you. I’ll show you when we get to my house.”

“It’s too soon to be a promise ring so it must be your penis. Okay. I’ll suck on it.”

“You kill me. Slay me. You make me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever met. Well, you’ve already seen my penis. No surprise there. But you can suck on it if you want. I won’t turn down a free blow job.”

“You usually have to pay for them? I can’t believe that.”

“Very few blow jobs are free. Oh, here comes Perry. I’d rather not discuss the politics of free blow jobs around Perry. He might get too excited.”

“John, Perry is in love with Coral. His blow job days are over.”

“He’d give me a blow job if I let him. Unfortunately, I have a preference for pussy.”

“What’s unfortunate about that?”

“There is nothing unfortunate about that. Good pussy fortune abounds!”